“We live in a rainbow of chaos.” – Paul Cezanne
I have not posted to my blog in 42 days. FORTY-TWO DAYS! How have I allowed so much time to pass? How is it that days and weeks are silently slipping by?
I will admit that 2024 ended on a low for me. I experienced personal and professional losses that were difficult to accept. My feelings of loss, uncertainty, and vulnerability carried me into 2025 – a year of very big moments – and have wrapped around me like a blanket, cocooning me from joy. These pending moments are swirling around me, kicking up chaos in my heart and mind – or – is it that the world around me has fallen into chaos and I am caught in the eye of the storm? Perhaps it is a little of both.
In the past 42 days we learned our son was accepted into his middle school of choice. We’re thrilled for him! This middle school will open up opportunities for him, and it will challenge him both creatively and intellectually. But the school is is not close to home. Gone will be our daily lunch together. Gone will be our daily walks to and from school together. He is growing up. As mentioned in my previous post, The Whisper of Change, the junior years have gone by so quickly. I am struggling to cope with the change.
I know I should rejoice because I am here, I am present, and I parenting him. I get to be a part of this amazing boy’s life. I should be thrilled to experience these milestones with him. And I am! I am grateful, so very, very grateful. But, I am also emotional. More precisely, an emotional train wreck. Why? Why am I having grave moments of sadness, anxiety, irritability, and crying spells? What’s wrong with me these days?
In the past 42 days I learned I am in perimenopause. The many symptoms experienced in these past 3 months have proven that I am, indeed, in perimenopause. What relief is there? None. My doctor has confirmed that I cannot take HRT because of my history of hormone positive breast cancer. She can treat the symptoms brought on by perimenopause (anxiety, depression, irritability, hot flushes, sleeplessness, and yes, the list goes on…) but she cannot treat the root cause. I have been grappling with what to do to manage this inner turmoil that I feel – what decisions I should make to aid me in this natural life transition. It is hard to know which path to take that is the right path for me.
Coming off the heels of this recent ‘diagnosis’ I then celebrated a milestone birthday. It was a quiet celebration, one spent with my loved ones, which was precisely what I wished for. A day of quiet reflection and precious moments together. Gifted to me on my milestone birthday was an Irish Tree of Life pendant chosen by my son. The Irish Tree of Life represents balance, harmony, and the connection between the physical and spiritual realms. It is symbolic of where I find myself in this moment – my continuous search for balance amidst the chaos. It is representational of what I hope to achieve.
And so, of late, I have experienced a lot of emotions kicking up chaos in my heart and mind. I am learning to grow as a parent and to let go; and I am dealing with all the challenges that come with aging. Yet I feel caught in the eye of a storm. Much of the chaos I currently feel is actually caused from systemic problems outside myself that are not mine to own, however, they are mine to respond to. Through quiet reflection, I have come to realize that it is time to turn the page. I know my worth. And, with the support of my loved ones, I know I can make a bold move.
I have experienced a lot of very lovely and highly memorable moments worth cherishing, and 2025 comes with some big anniversaries and big changes to mark. It’s memorable moments that keep us smiling, laughing, and moving forward through the strife. Whenever we are feeling overwhelmed, uncertain, or even vulnerable, it is imperative we think of the happy moments in our life. We must embrace the cherished moments, even amidst the chaos, because life is now. We cannot sleep on it and we cannot hide from it. Life is meant to be lived.
Chaos is all around us, surrounds us, and is often within us. It does not mean we cannot live, love, and experience wonderful moments in the midst of chaos. We do so in spite of it. And who knows, experiencing the chaos may challenge us to be bolder, help us to be wiser, and allow us to be human.
Embracing Chaos. Published by Crystal Joy Hall
Featured Image by Elina Fairytale
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