In my most recent post It is Never Quite Behind You I shared my fear regarding a pending breast ultrasound to further investigate a questionable axillary lymph node detected in my mammogram. At that time, I was feeling scanxiety at its worst – fear, panic, and dread.
The breast ultrasound was 28 days ago, and as feared, a piece of my world fell out from under my feet on that very day. I have been recalled for a fine-needle aspiration of the questionable axillary lymph node. It is the next level of testing, the next step towards diagnosis. And so, for these past 28 days, I have been living quietly in my head, falling further down, down, down the dark abyss of the rabbit hole…
It is 10 years – 10 years since my initial diagnosis and mastectomy. I wanted to celebrate this milestone, but I cannot. Not while I have this pending biopsy looming over me, for I now feel apprehensive. My practical brain tells me to stay calm and hold onto my faith. They simply want to ensure that the lymph node is healthy – however – a biopsy is next-level, and so, my emotional side is absolutely FREAKING OUT! Truth be told, I am very scared that the biopsy will reveal news that I do not wish to hear… I feel both desperate and afraid. I know these emotions are normal and even expected after an initial cancer diagnosis. Time does not change how one feels about scans, biopsies, or even blood work.
The fine-needle aspiration is less than two days away. I am neither mentally nor emotionally prepared to endure this appointment. I do not want to go. I have to go. I do not want to hear the sounds of the machines or feel the warm gel on my skin, but I do not have the choice. I must do what needs to be done. Facing your fear is never an easy task. How do I do it? How do I find the courage within and quietly endure this biopsy? I think of all the life I still have yet to live; and I draw on the strength and resilience of my dearly departed Grandma.
My Little Grandma, as we so lovingly called her, fought cancer multiple times. Was she scared? Yes. Was she brave? YES! She was one of the bravest individuals I ever had the privilege to know. She fought the fight and did what she must each and every time. She passed away in her 90s from old age, not from cancer. She was a courageous, brilliant, and complex woman. And I miss her.
In these dark moments, when I feel overwhelmed with anxiety and terribly frightened traversing on this journey, I think of her. I think of what she endured, how fiercely she fought, and how she survived. She is my everyday hero. I carry her with me in my heart, and I feel comforted knowing that I am her granddaughter so perhaps, just perhaps, I will be fierce too.
With my biopsy in less than two days, I am holding on to the language used by the medical professionals to calm my trouble mind and keep my panic in-check: A mildly prominent lymph node in the axilla most likely reactive…nevertheless further assessment of fine-needle aspiration is suggested. Suggested. They have suggested a fine-needle aspiration because of my history of breast cancer. Their language is neither frightening nor urgent by nature. And so, it is with active work on my part, to calm my fear and heed their words.
As I mentioned in my most recent post, We learn to live in the now and embrace the beauty of life in the moment, which is what I have been actively doing these past 28 days. It is an ever-evolving and difficult journey to traverse. I am thankful I do not travel alone. I have my incredible support network of family and friends to draw on. They fill me with love and joy as well as faith and hope. For this, I entirely grateful.
Falling Down the Rabbit Hole. Published by Crystal Joy Hall
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