There is a precious moment of parenting that I am all to aware will soon come to an abrupt end – bedtime stories. Fortunately, for now, my LM still enjoys being read to. It calms his active mind and restless body, and readies him for the land of sleep. We read chapter books, picture books, comics, or kids graphic novels, sharing in the written language and pleasures of reading together. It was during one of these moments I candidly remarked on the children’s book I wrote years back, but never had the courage (or know-how) to publish.
Yes. I wrote a book.
My son was eager to read it, and with some coaxing and pleading by him, I gave in to his will. I searched for the file on my drive, opened it, and shared my book with him. I won’t lie – I was very nervous. What would he think? Would he like it? Would he tell me ‘it’s okay mom’ in his polite yet sometimes dismissive manner? And, what would I think of it, after all these yeas? Because, in truthfulness, it had been 9 years since I completed my book. LM was just a year old, and though I was inspired to move forward with it, I was also overwhelmed, nervous, and afraid. I had never let those feelings stop me from pursuing my dreams before, and I really did want my book published so I could share it with LM while he was still a [young] child. But I stopped. I did not move forward. Cancer changed my course. It knocked me to my core. I put my dream aside, with the expectation to revisit it, yet never did. In hindsight, that saddens me. How could I let myself down? How could I allow cancer to strip yet one more thing from my life? How could I not place value in my own aspirations and foster my dream? How could I heed the dark voices in my mind?
It’s funny how we can talk ourselves out of pursuing a goal, ambition, or dream. Or allow a life event – whether good or bad – to derail our personal pursuits. Why do we do this? As I reflect on these questions, answers seep to the surface, bursting through my memory and mind. In all truthfulness, I have put myself out there, time and time and time again. With every casting submission, audition, and callback, I put myself out there to be scrutinized, judged, and rejected. I did this for 17 years. Of course, I had ‘wins’ along the way, but I experienced far more losses and struggle than one hopes to bear – I looked too young, not young enough, too innocent, not innocent enough, too expressive, not expressive enough … I was too short, too tall, too fat, too skinny … the list goes on. As an actor, you train yourself not to be affected by each rejection, each loss, each criticism about aspects of your body you cannot change (or are wise enough to know not to change). You continue to put yourself out there into the world, heart on your sleeve, vulnerable to the whims and/or demands of others, time and time and time again. And I know this is why I have not [yet] moved forward with my book. I desperately want to. I have always dreamed of being a published author, but I won’t lie. I am afraid of yet another long and arduous struggle to achieve my goal. And, after journeying through two cancer diagnosis over these past years, I just don’t know if I have that kind of strength and resilience remaining in me – to take on another fight – but this one, for my dream.
And where do I begin? How do I begin? Tell me, dear readers who are currently published authors, how did you do it? How did you sell your children’s book? How did you do it on your own, with limited financial means? Any advise will be welcomed. What I have learned about publishing, I have learned from years ago – from a workshop hosted by the Canadian Children’s Book Centre, and the book How to Write a Children’s Picture Book and get it Published by Andrea Shavick. Both were in insightful – but – the advice is from 7+ years ago. Would it be relevant information today – over 7 years later? I simply do not know.
All I do know is that my son was very excited about my book. He loved it, and he is encouraging me to publish it. He has even offered to do all the illustrations to help me, which is very touching and sweet. I greatly appreciate his support and enthusiasm. It has sparked a very tiny flame within me. A flame just big enough to begin that arduous journey of submissions, with the knowledge of pending rejections – because in any aspect of the art world, whether print, visual, or theatrical – rejection is inevitable. We simply cannot please all.
My hope, is to at least please one.
Fostering a Dream. Published by Crystal Joy Hall
Featured Image by Suzy Hazelwood
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