I wish I could say that this has been a good month. It truly should be. It’s June! The skies are blue, the flowers are in bloom, summer is in the air, days are getting longer, and I just returned from a magnificent adventure across the pond and have wonderful new memories settling within my heart. I should feel carefree and happy. But I do not. This has not been a good month. In truth, it has been a month of strife.
Within this month I have dealt with a household of COVID-19, which was to be expected after taking an overseas adventure; I was verbally and physically assaulted [by a neighbour] resulting in lingering pain and acute anxiety; and of course, I am reliving all the difficult memories that surround my cancerversary dates (June 02nd, 10th, 17th, 22nd, 24th). It has been an emotionally draining and distressing month. I am hanging on by a thread – I am in survival mode. It is not an ideal place to be.
Survival mode is when your body goes into fight-flight-freeze. This can occur when stress simply tips us over the edge. And though we all have stress – it is a part of everyday living – when it is compounded and feels relentless, it can trigger these all-to-human reactions of fight-flight-freeze. It is our body’s way of responding to the fear or emotional stress we are experiencing, to help us survive. Hence, survival mode. I know that my body is reacting to the emotional stress I am currently enduring. In these past few weeks I have been experiencing acute muscle tension, jaw clenching, chest pressure, trembling, and sleepless nights. This physical reaction to my emotional stress is, in turn, perpetuating my already fragile state. It’s a vicious cycle that I know I need to break.
As I mentioned, living in survival mode is not an ideal place to reside. I know this. I recognize this. It is why I am not giving in or giving up. If there is one thing I know of life, it is that stress is unavoidable. We will always encounter challenges that will rock us to our very core; we will always have strife. Life, as we know it, will shift like the changing tides. It is how we respond to these challenges that defines our path forward. Even in those extremely difficult moments of vulnerability or fear, when we are forced on a path – or journey – we did not choose to take, we still have a choice. We can choose how we venture down that path and the person we wish to be when we reach the crossroads and a new journey begins. This is a powerful choice to have. It can be a defining moment in your life.
And so, what are my choices within this moment? How can I overcome my overwhelming emotions? By leaning into the pain. I have turned to those in an authoritative position to protect and guide me through the actionable and responsible channels [to follow] after an assault has occurred; I am maintaining hope as I embrace my past scars and acknowledge my current fears; and I am allowing myself the space to work through my complex feelings so that I may come to a place of stability. As I lean into the pain, I know that I am moving forward through the strife. No matter how frightened and vulnerable I feel, I am not giving in or giving up.
My body may be in survival mode but, with the continued support and kindness of those those in an authoritative position as well as my loved ones both near and far, I am pushing through the strife. I will come to my crossroads, and a new journey will begin. I will not simply survive. I will thrive.
Pushing Through the Strife. Published by Crystal Joy Hall
Featured Image by: Sergey Nivens
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