As a breast cancer survivor, I have learned to share space with the fear and anxiety that follows a diagnosis; and to give myself permission to express the range of heightened emotions felt post-cancer. The emotions are big, bold, and often overwhelming. This is my new emotional normal. When I am happy or excited the emotions expressed are huge, and it feels wonderful! However, my emotions are equally vast when I am riddled with anxiety – the panic, nervousness, and alarm. It is the anxiety that is the difficult emotion to tame. It is always at its worst in the months of May, June, and July, for this is the time of year when my life was forever altered. This is the time of year when my annual scans occur. This is my Cancerversary.
This year, as mentioned in my recent posts, marks a significant milestone in my cancer journey. It is 10 years – 10 years of being cancer-free. I want to celebrate this milestone – shout it from a mountain top – but I am scared. I am apprehensive, because today, I am feeling scanxiety at its worst. Today, I have been recalled for an ultrasound – a closer look at a questionable axillary lymph node. It should not come as a surprise that I was recalled after my mammogram. They have been following this same questionable lymph node for a year. My practical brain tells me to stay calm and hold onto my faith. They simply want to ensure that the lymph node is not changing. But, my emotional side is absolutely FREAKING OUT!! How can an axillary lymph node be found on a mammogram? It must be demonstrating some concerning changes if it was detected on a mammogram. Is this cancer? Is it back? Will my life fall out from under me in that room as it did 10 years ago? Will there be a biopsy, a discussion about top breast surgeons to consider, and appointments made for further scans? Am I about to relive the exact experience I had 10 years ago? The quietness of cancer is terrifying. We cannot see it. We often cannot feel it. It quietly manifests within us. This knowledge, this reality is frightening. And this is where my emotions are leading me. They are leading me down that dark rabbit hole into the abyss of fear, panic, and dread.
So today, I am feeling vulnerable, scared, and very much alone in my head. Why then, am I sharing my fears? Why am I throwing myself out there to the world, only to make myself even more vulnerable and possibly subject to judgement? Because, when I started my blog in 2016, I made a promise to myself that I would share my journey with the world in hopes that I may connect with others who, perhaps, are struggling as I am. I wanted cancer survivors and thrivers to know that You are not alone. I wanted to create a space where someone could read my truth and perhaps by doing so, feel justified in feeling their own heightened emotions, without judgement, with only support. We all need human connection; a sense of belonging and a place to feel understood.
This is a difficult journey to traverse. It is ever-evolving. We move through it, yet is always moves with us. It is never quite behind you. It does not mean that we cannot laugh, love, or live to our fullest. We do. We learn to live in the now and embrace the beauty of life in the moment. So today, I live in my moments. I will hug my son a little tighter, kiss my husband a little more tenderly, and hold onto my many reasons to smile.
It Is Never Quite Behind You. Published by Crystal Joy Hall
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