It has been a whirlwind of a fall/winter – from my husband’s new role [at work] and increased responsibilities; to my own new role [at work], change of shifts, increase of responsibilities; to my son’s hectic schedule with school, recreational sports, and recording sessions – I feel like I am forever chasing days. Add in the responsibilities of parenting and managing a home, I cannot catch up, catch my breath, or even catch a moment of stillness. I am spinning, and it is wearying. I feel the exhaustion in every fabric of my being. I cannot continue at this relentless pace.
How does one slow down?
Truly, as that is the question racing through my mind how does one slow down when the demands keep mounting? I have lost my moments of quiet when I could focus on simple self-care and indulge in leisurely pursuits. I miss having time for pilates, playing my piano, learning my ukulele, and writing for my blog as well as for myself. I miss my moments, and I cannot seem to get them back. I feel like I am at a constant push/pull with my husband, juggling who picks-up/drops-off our son to school, sports, recording … and I feel like I am at the mercy of my job, my husband’s job, my son’s commitments … and oh, how the list goes on. I wake each morning hitting the ground running at full-tilt, and I don’t get a moment to stop, reset, refocus, and just breathe. Is this normal? Is this how it always is for us moms? Because, I do witness my husband stealing quiet moments for himself, whereas I am left to furiously clean, cook, run errands, help my son with homework, and plan out our family’s schedule for the next x-number of days, weeks, months in-between my own working hours … why does so much of the responsibility seem to land solely on me?
How does one step back, and take back time … for themselves?
Any advice on this? How do I step back, and take back time for myself? There is always something that needs to be done, and I feel like if I don’t do it – if I don’t shoulder the responsibilities for everyone – then nothing will get done and all will be lost or forgotten or misplaced … I don’t mean to sound like I do everything at home. I know that I do not. My husband works very hard and does his fair share – but – I often feel like I really am doing it all, which then leaves me feeling overworked, overwhelmed, and utterly exhausted. How does one balance parenting, marriage, family commitments, and work, and still have time for self-care, adequate sleep, and quiet moments? I can’t seem to find those moments frequently enough, and it concerns me. I do not want my own well-being to suffer because I feel obligated and committed to taking care of everyone and everything around me. I worry that this undo stress will compromise my health. And that truly frightens me. So how do I stop chasing days and simply enjoy living them?
How does one live within the moment?
Honestly? I wish I knew. I wish I could master living within the moment, pushing pause on my relentless racing thoughts and pre-planning tendencies, and to just let all the responsibilities go. To breathe – just breathe – and be within the moment. I try. I still diffuse my essential oil blends to evoke sensations of calm and tranquility, and each night I actively meditate during my decompressing stretching routine. But truthfully, these moments of self-care are simply not enough. I am threadbare. As Bilbo Baggins so aptly quotes in Lord of the Rings “I feel thin, sort of stretched, like butter scraped over too much bread.”
What must I give up to gain?
When there is so much expected of you, more than what is realistic in one day, what do you give up? Which everyday responsibility do you let go of to achieve balance? And how do you choose? This is what I struggle with. I struggle with this balance. And so … I chase my days. I consistently feel like I am two steps behind, racing to catch-up and accomplish all that needs to be done and achieved within that day. All the while, I am struggling to hold myself and my life together; to be the best mom I can possibly be to my amazing child, and the best partner I can be to my loving husband. However, I remain fully aware of my inner feelings of incompetence and exhaustion as I strive for what often feels like the impossible.
And so, I remind myself every waking hour of every day to breathe …
Just breathe.
Chasing Days. Published by Crystal Joy Hall
Featured Image by Eva Bronzini
No Comments