A Test of Wills

A Test of Wills

Life has many ways of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen all at once. – Paulo Coelho

I am struggling. I am struggling with the long, cold, harsh, bleak days hanging down on us. I am struggling because this time of year brings back vivid memories that are hard to suppress and harder still to accept. Mammograms, ultra sounds, bone scans … the list goes on. This time, 3 years ago, I was undergoing a battery of assessments, scans, blood work, and genetic testing. Of course, as time has crept on the scans and tests have become increasingly less – a good sign – but now I must go for a chest x-ray. Although unrelated to cancer – I hope – it has caused a whirlwind of scanxiety to erupt within me because I know it is related to the trauma. I cannot seem to find a sense of calm. I cannot settle my mind. I cannot relax my muscles. I cannot focus. And, I find that this grey, cold, unrelenting weather magnifies my deep-rooted feelings of anxiety. My usual methods of finding calm – outlined in my post Coping Through – are failing me.

So what to do?

How to cope?

Coping with scanxiety is something that I am still mastering. Even 3 years post-cancer I need guidance to help me through this struggle. But guidance from whom? Who can understand the fear I am feeling after these few years have past? There is distance from the trauma. I thought of turning to my amazing support group but there are women there who are at the beginning of their fight and their needs, right now, are greater than my own. Although mine are real, mine are not quite so urgent. Mine are about the remembering. So, needing guidance and needing reassurance, I decided to revisit my post It’s About The Remembering. I read through the tips I outlined on dealing with scanxiety. And I focused my attention on the last paragraph of my post…

Know that it takes an incredible amount of courage to recognize how you are feeling and actively finding ways to help yourself through. – Crystal Joy Hall

I never thought I could help myself to feel better through my own writing. But I did. And I am thankful. Following the tips – I know – will help ease some of the scanxiety I am overwhelmed with.

It is just the beginning. From now until June I live through the remembering. The upcoming x-ray. Blood tests. Ultrasound. Mammogram. It is all happening within these next few months. It certainly feels like a test of wills.

What advice do you wish to share on how to cope with scanxiety?

A Test of Wills. Published by Crystal Joy Hall

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